The Kingdom of God is Within You!

The Kingdom of God is within you! What does that mean? The season is Advent, time of reflecting on our sins and unworthiness as we wait for Him that is Perfect to come for us...a second and final time! We consider how holy and majestic He is...and thoughts of His Mercy and His Love for us! He became one of us to deliver us, to save us, to transform us, and to restore all that has been lost! But my Croatian friend kept telling me in every salutation..."God is with you". It became his signature. One day it dawned on me...duh--while I am waiting to see the visible manifestation of the fullness of times...He IS already here! He is in me, and you, and the Church, and ever-present, everywhere, all the time!!! We just tend not to keep that in a present-tense existence in our minds. Why? Mainly because we cannot see Him as we see our spouses, kids, friends, and family. We believe by faith--- but we can see, touch, laugh, cry and hold our loved ones. They are real to us!

Luke 17:21 says "the Kingdom of God is within you". He is Light, and we are sealed with that Light. The Word refers to the natural world as being "in darkness"...they cannot know Him; because they don't have Him inside of them. That verse alone is what has kept me persevering for souls I would just as soon give up on a long time ago! I was chosen to carry His Light in the Darkness. I was chosen. You were chosen...by the King, the Creator, the Invisible holy and mighty and immortal God...The Ancient of Days looked down from Heaven and chose us! That Spirit of Truth, the Light of the World, the Righteous One...has taken up residence in our souls!

So when the world is fighting about whether its Christmas or Holiday Season--it doesn't matter. If they take Christ out of everything...they cannot stop Him. If none of them believe it...doesn't change the Truth. When a baby is baptized, I have joy...welcoming my new sibling. When new people come into the Church at the Easter Vigil, I know these are new soldiers in His Army and more lights! When someone passes in death to this life--I know they are experiencing indescribable awesomeness! They are free from the devil and demonic harrassment, pain, anger, confusion, depression, fear and worry...nothing can harm them now! Nothing can hurt them from here in this present darkness! I have two friends I love so much fighting bone cancer from an earlier breast cancer...and I admire their faith...and I cry alot for their suffering and impending death..but I am also happy for their salvation is about to become complete...in absolute beauty and power!

So this Christmas Season, when I look at all the Christmas lights...all different colors and sizes...I will think of all the different types of people God has come to inhabit! When I see candles...I will think of the Light of the World is in me and you. The Christmas tree and wreaths and pine cones....oh the brilliance of nature in His Creation! The bold red and white poinsettias...flowers blooming in the dead of winter...remind me that the Rose of Sharon has bloomed in desertland of souls on earth! The presents under the trees...the Magi bringing gifts to baby Jesus! Worldly kings...paying homage to the real King of Kings whose mighty kingdom remains behind a veil...for now. No matter how much the world tries to make Christmas a retail holiday, a time of argument over beliefs, where daily woes tries to squeeze out every bit of joy, where sorrow hits in ways unjust and unfair...nothing can change the ultimate reality! The Truth of God's Mercy in Christmas and Easter...for those who love Him! They cannot take Christ out of Christmas because they cannot take Christ out of me!

I will watch movies that keep me focused on that. The Nativity, Mary, Its A Wonderful Life (how much we impact others) Rudolph (being different in the world) Frosty the Snowman (the childlike faith) and all the songs of praise and worship in the Christmas Carols! The Kingdom of God is here. God is with us. Emmanuel. The Wedding Day approaches...and what a celebration that will be!!! Keep your joy!

Between the Darkness and the Light

I spent the past two weeks meditating on purgatory, which is not exactly a place, but a state of being or condition of our souls in the cleansing process.  The more I think on this the more convinced I am of its need to be in the Christian faith!  My protestant friends believe one goes straight to Heaven, that Jesus paid all and therefore we are instantly changed and in His Presence! Nuff said.

I was raised to believe it was intense suffering of fire but a tad bit less than hellfire...sorry but that did not fit with my perception of God and His Mercy...nor did it exactly draw me closer to Him.  I know the saints all say this and that...but those saints were not apostles and they lived in a time that could not know about the world we understand thru science today.  I mean, wouldn't it blow their minds to know about radio waves, microwaves, uv waves, gravity, magnets,  remote controls, cellphones (the powers of cellular) the internet, computers, and all the technology we now have???  Private revelations are not doctrine either; if approved they can be believed but are not expected and mandatory.  Perhaps the "fires" they speak of are  not literal but are symbolic?  Everything in this "natural" world reveals something about the spiritual.  The fact we have invisible forces at work in our daily lives...all those "waves" are not magic or evil in themselves...they exist. 

When I think of the soul, I think in terms of a type of energy.  Everything is comprised of energy; solids, vapor, and liquids are all products of molecules that are moving.  When my mother passed, my niece's watch stopped at that very moment.  I think of the movie "Ghost" and how they portrayed the soul.  Star Trek and the dematerializing and rematerializing in the transport room...is another effect that comes to mind.  We have all these "natural" scenes to help in our imagining an invisible possibility that the saints never had.  I have had "impressions and visions" that I cannot describe to others but know what they meant by interpretation of the Holy Spirit.  I wonder if Augustine and Saints John Bosco and Anne Catherine Emmerich and others truly understood what they "learned".

Salvation is a cooperative act between us and the Holy Spirit to lead us to Jesus who is the Mediator between man and God.  God does not force Himself on us.  He never has.  He became one of us to deliver us from the Sin Curse.  His Holy Spirit is offered to those who seek Him. (Luke 11:9-10) All of this is done by the will of man...man must seek, choose and believe.  Why wouldn't our cleansing process be more of the same?

I'd like to believe I will be transformed and changed instantly into a perfect version before the Father; but it doesn't fit the rest of the story so to speak.  I knew many a good Christian who died in faith, living an obedient and good life...but had some imperfect characteristics.  None of us are perfect here in this natural life or we would not be "just natural".  Our Divine life would have been intact...truth is...we lost the Divine part of it...and that is what death in Christ...gives back to us; via His Holy Spirit.  Yet the Lord impressed upon me that cleansing is confession(1John 1:9)...and then He said, "can two walk together unless they be agreed?" (Amos 3:3).  He kept saying the Light versus the Darkness...nothing hidden that won't be revealed.  We know nothing impure can enter into Heaven, into the Holy of Holies, therefore all defects must be removed or changed.  He is "the Truth, the Way and the Life , and no man comes to the Father but by Me "(John 14:6)--this is our Mediator!  He is Truth, therefore is going to reveal us ourselves as we are...the truth about ourselves.  How we respond to that may determine how long this process takes.  Some people insist on their own way regardless...again as the Light does its excision of our sins off our souls...I am sure will be painful.  Yet, this pain gives way to joy...much like childbirth.  Is it any wonder the epistles speak of the spiritual in terms of childbirth and birth pangs?

We don't truly have a concept as to how sinful we really are.  We base things on what we know is right and wrong, then we justify according to our own rationale...the Lord does not change as society and her trends do though.  When I look at another man, it is a five-fold sin to lust in my heart.  I sin against my mate, my own soul, the other man, perhaps his wife...and God Himself. Now take all our sins and magnify them as to how many ways we actually sin...we could be in purging awhile.  Centuries though?  I highly doubt it but then time is irrelevant in that realm. 

I was also made aware of the fact that martyrs go straight to Heaven for the faith having paid the full price with their lives.  Also that some suffer here on earth and experience purging here.  So I find the  notion that souls in purgatory cannot help themselves is perhaps a man-made misconception.  They are already "saved" so that is not an issue!  They are in the waiting chamber...dressed but not quite ready.  We here on earth have received our invitations, and are preparing, but not yet arrived at the hall.  The Bridegroom will come for us along with many bridesmaids and groomsmen on the Day of the Marriage Feast!  I fully believe they can aid the process by cooperating with the Lord.  I believe we can send more Grace by our prayers, holy masses, and such just as we pray for others here on earth.  Not that we can save someone after death--they are already separated as Sheep from the goats...but for more Light to shine their way!  After all, we are Light also are we not?

The soul stands between the Light and the Darkness...freed from hell and its wrath, freed from earthly pains and fears and miseries...yet not fully consumed with His Light.  Like dark spots on the sun are called sunspots...there are places on our souls that flare up and wreak havoc sometimes...and those places need proper attention.  The Lord is merciful.  The Lord is good.  Purging is not something to be feared.  As Peter objected to the Lord washing his feet, but once he understood, asked Him not only his feet, but his hands and head also!!  (John 13:9)  Not only my thoughts, but my heart, and every place..."Search me O God, and know my heart: try me and know my thoughts; And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the Way Everlasting." (Psalm 139:23-24)

Parable of the 10 Virgins and their Oil Lamps

Last week, the Gospel was Matthew 25, the parable of the ten virgins and their oil lamps.  I stumbled over the part where the others asked for some oil and the response was "no! then we may not have enough for our own."  That always bothered me for some reason--so I asked the Lord about it. " We are called to share whatever we have, and to trust You for whatever we need...so why does this verse seems selfish?  You would not have us to be selfish and self-centered...so Lord what is it that I am not getting here? "

Ask and you shall receive, as always, He is gracious to help me understand.  He brought to mind in Ezekiel 18, where the LORD explains that "when a soul sins it shall die..but if the wicked turns from all his sins ...keep the law...and do what is lawful and right...he shall surely live and not die".  I understood it to mean--each soul is responsible for itself.  There are many Graces given to us to aid us, teach us, and keep us in God's Favor...but in the end...each soul bears the responsibillity for its outcome at Judgment time.  God gives us many instances in our lives, many people (some may be angels) the Holy Scriptures, The Sacraments, the Church, Sacramentals, prayers, all to lead us to Him and His Mercy--yet if we fail to follow, to heed His Word, to seek Him..we risk being set apart as having never known Him.

I explained this on the way home to my teen sons.  I can do my best to teach them, to live the example, to take them to Mass, to pray and read the Bible...but in the end...they are responsible for the condition of their own souls.  I cannot save them.  I can only do so much.  I cannot take the "Oil of Gladness" out of my own soul and give it to them.  Only the Holy Spirit can fill them.

October and the Supernatural

At the end of this month people will be enjoying the fun of Halloween.  Many don't take it seriously and see nothing wrong with trick or treat or the new trend in churches to do "trick or trunks" or try to dress up a distraction with "fall festivals".  There are many good Christians who have gotten into studying how this holiday came about and their objections fall onto deaf ears.  My own husband loves horror films as do one of our sons...it's all harmless they say.  I used to think so before I began following Christ fervently...and when I had pushed away all the bad things that caused me to run from the Church as a child.  I was a child of the 70's and lived to do whatever I wanted...and I was freed from the things that hindered me and scared me.  I seldom tell others about my childhood experiences as a child in the Church.  Who would believe me?  They wouldn't have then for sure...I was only 6-10yrs old.  They won't now because the supernatural only exists for those who go "ghost-chasing" or those who practice the Craft.  Christians today don't delve into it because to admit there is supernatural evil means there is supernatural good as well...and the whole reality of sin and punishment, heaven and hell might mean...well our souls are really in peril...aren't they?

I have friends who are into Wicca and have actual covens.  I have others who thoroughly enjoy Wiccan stories, stories of vampires, and Harry Potter.  I have known others who practice satanism.  Still others who are pagans and don't know they are...Mother Earth and all that.  Nobody wants to hear the Christian story anymore...the thought conjures up images of President Bush, the Republican Party, Pedophile priests, Jimmy Swaggarts, the Crystal Cathedral, Jim and Tammy Bakker, and the notorious Pat Robertson of the 700 Club...and suddenly one is nauseaous and gagging.  Christianity is a made up religion by men to control people...and if God is like these witnesses...they'd rather leave Him.

It was the 60's, and the world was in a state of chaos, rebellion and anger were screaming for change in the world!  I was a child and was not aware of events of my time completely.  Raised Catholic I went to a Catholic school, and we attended Holy Mass as a class.  We walked across the street to the beautifully adorned Church.  In those days they practiced the Old Latin Mass.  I was a scared little girl who came from a poor family.  I was a tomboy and a rebel even then.  My greatest resistance was to wearing a dress.  My mind was not on the catechism they were trying to teach, or the prayers we were to learn, and to prepare for Holy Communion.  I didn't understand it and I did not care.  My cares were to play football, basketball, baseball and fight with the boys.  Yet, God decided he would make me care...He would reveal things to  me.  He would scare the heebie-jeebies out of me! 

I sat in Church and prayed with my classmates, and did all the things I was supposed to do.  Yet every single time--I was tormented!  I would get lightheaded, nauseous, and dizzy.  Looking around, nobody else seemed to be having any difficulty.  Perhaps its because we were hungry alot as kids...and perhaps it was the incense that caused it all.  There had to be a reason for it.  Then I began to break out in a cold sweat.  As an adult it was easy to reason these were all symptoms of hypoglycemia.  There remained the issue of the "visions".  A child has a wild imagination do they not?  Yet for such an imagination....it kept me from the Church for over 30+ years.  I remember them vividly still at the age of 50.  I saw monsters fly around the sanctuary during Mass and I was terrified.  I felt like I was choking and couldn't breathe!  I saw images of ugly bird-like things seem to come right out of the stained-glass windows!  I saw many disgusting things happen at the altar that I cannot describe here; but are still very real to me in my mind...never forgotten.  So when my parents were getting a divorce, I convinced my mother to let me leave the Church.  She believed she had given us a foundation of faith and we would have to discover the way on our own journey.  She had only ever been to a Methodist church twice as a child, growing up during the Depression, and her mother died when she was four...leaving 10 children.  She had no true religion upbringing.  Marrying my father, she became Catholic, but he was far from Catholic much less living a Christian lifestyle of any kind.  This happened in the 4th grade! I was so relieved, and so happy!  No more nightmares and suffering in Church for me!!

My life went down some very difficult roads seeking answers and seeking God.  I found Him when I cried out as an adult.  I got "saved" in an evangelical church, went to a Baptist, Pentecostal, Non-denominational, and Methodist Church....my soul was on a journey.  God was speaking and teaching and I was so filled with joy, peace and love!  This was My God!  He was Good and not dark, heavy and scary!  He taught me the Scriptures, opened my understanding, developed teaching gifts, gave me discernment, and spiritual battles....by taking me to each of these churches.  He was the One who finally decided it was time to come home to Rome.  Oh wow! I cannot do that!  He spent 3 years causing me to dig into researching truths...everything He was saying was not what the protestants said, so who did say these things?  Everything He gave me came up Catholic on the internet.  He led me to email a Catholic deacon on the internet who "set me free" by his response to my story of the supernatural experiences I had as a child in the Catholic Mass.  I decided to trust the Lord and go to Mass Dec. 24th, Midnight Mass.  I came home to a very different church, a changed service,  a whole new culture.  I was home.

I truly believe in the supernatural!  I believe in the prayers, the liturgy, the Eucharist and all the Sacraments of having power!  I believe many are going to hell because of lack of belief and hardened hearts of routine and affluence.  I sincerely believe many are going to suffer damnation for corruption and deception.  Still many more, for the lack of Truth and the Ancient Paths of the Sacramental life and religion.  The "spirit of the world" is killing off whole populations in atheism and witchcraft and the occult--but it is also destroying souls within the Church herself...the spirit of the world is "antichrist".  I pray for Saint Michael to fight for us and defend us!  I pray for people to humble themselves and return to faith and worship and holiness!  I pray for people to be awakened before they slip into hell, to fires of eternal damnation, into the Abyss!  I pray for priests to return to preaching about hell, sin and suffering!  I pray for the Church to return to practicing ancient rites and prayers and practices to fight supernaturally against evil spirits at work in our midst, in our families, in our schools and workplaces...in our governing bodies.  May the Lord have mercy and send fresh fire through the Holy Spirit upon the heads of those whose hearts are not yet blackened beyond salvation! Amen!

                         
                                               GOD SPOKE TO JOSEPH IN A DREAM

As I was writing in my journal this morning, and in prayer, I was reflecting on how God has spoken to me in my life.  How did I know it was HIM?  I was thanking HIM for all the things HE has done, is doing, what HE has taught me and where HE had moved in my life over the years.  So when I went into the bible for reading, HE took me to Matthew...where Joseph was told in a dream by God that the child Mary was carrying was a son and he was to be called Jesus: for HE would save his people from their sins.

Many people today don't seem to "hear" from God.  I used to be one of them before HE opened my eyes and my ears.  One of the things I heard this morning, was when I was praying for the healing and deliverance and conversion of people on my list--"They don't believe unless they see the miracles and signs"...and I replied to HIM..."Lord I know the miracles, signs, and workings of YOU in my life" and then began to recant them to HIM.  I told HIM that my prayers were not because I wanted "more to help me believe in HIM" but the prayers were BECAUSE  of my faith in HIM!  The desire for their healing and conversions and deliverance comes from HIM; because I have His Spirit within me, and it is HIS desire as well.  (if one could see God smile, I am almost certain HE did).  Going over all the times that HE spoke and I know I heard it was HIM, and all the times that HE worked out details for me and answered prayer that only HE could have known...brought forth an attitude of thanksgiving and praises this morning.  I am certain this is why Israel repeated over and over all the things God had done for them in the Old Testament, not just for preservation of their history and genealogy--but for them to "renew their minds" about HIM!

When I read about Joseph ready to put Mary away privately, and how God spoke to him in a dream...don't we all have dreams that we think mean something?  God called him "son of David", who calls us by our lineage?  HE explained where the baby came from...validating Mary's testimony...and also said why this child was to be born....oh that we could know so much about our own children!  He quoted Scripture in which Joseph would have known from the prophet Isaiah, about a virgin giving birth to Emmanuel, whose name means 'God with us'.  How wildly ecstatic Joseph must have been to know this!!  Would you want to run and tell everyone?  Whenever God spoke to me, I did; but soon learned...people are not exactly open to that kind of declaration. 

What does this mean--God with us?  Well we all know God is everywhere at all times and we also know God is in us...what does that mean though?  My husband and I came together and made a baby.  He has our traits and genes that he has inherited from us, and has even developed certain personality characteristics...but he has his own spirit.  I could not give him mine, nor his father able to share his.  The child has his own spirit.  So when Jesus came to die for us and to break the Sin Curse, HE did more than just save us...HE put some of Himself inside of us!  The FATHER, we seek, that we must go through JESUS to HIM, has already given us more than we truly know!  HE is the Creator...and the Creator is in us--the ONE who made the stars, the moon, the trees, the animals, the birds, and every human being....is in me?  The Father is in Jesus, and Jesus is in the Father and they are ONE...and Jesus is in me, so the Father is in me too...the ONE I pray to and hope to meet...is already here ...with us!

How can I hear HIM and know HIM?  I need to stop listening to my own thoughts, and renew my mind with HIS WORD, and believe and practice HIS PRESENCE...think of HIM as right here...in my very body and soul!  Talk to HIM as with anyone I love and listen.  This is not easy to do in our busy, noisy, demanding, and technological world...too many things beckon us so that we don't have time or peace to spend time with HIM who is already here with us.  Living in a natural world where our emotions, hurts, failings, and bad things happen...keep us focused on those "physical" things--but this is all temporary.  I know I cry out for my friends who are fighting cancer, and some who died anyway...I want them to see their daughter get married and to enjoy their grandchildren and not to become an empty place at their dinner table...or tears at Christmastime.  I know when my mother died, though I knew where she was going...it was the natural side of me that cries out that because I miss her so much!    The supernatural side of me smiles....as I read the Scriptures, consider the Passover meal in the Holy Mass (where the Angel of Death has passed over me ) and the fact that my God of the bible, is here with me.  I know it because I believe what I read, and also the constant "telling my history of Him working in my life (Israel)" and how HE speaks to me.  Joseph knew when the Voice called him son of David, and that the child's name would be Emmanuel...He knew God's Voice and He knew the Scriptures and the Promises to come... it wasn't just a dream that told him what to do and to believe.  Of all the dreams I have....I am pretty sure I am glad I did not do what was told me in some of them!  Dreams can be used by the devil as well...we must discern whether they are of God or not.

Heaven

What is heaven like?  No one truly knows except God, His Angels and Saints...but we are given many clues.  Everyone knows its the place of goodness and the place to want to go as opposed to the "other" place.  I thought of heaven as being the place of reward and justice for souls who deserved it by the kind of lives they led here on earth.  I thought of it in terms of the afterlife.  There are the Scriptures to point the way and reveal it is where God is and where His People will be forever...where there is nothing evil, no sickness, no sorrow, no fear, no worry, and no darkness.  Heaven is full of love, light, peace, joy, goodness, truth, faith, hope, happiness, endless provision, and everlasting life!  It is where God wipes away all tears.

My views of Heaven have evolved to more than just a superficial understanding of the result of a faithful life.  Many don't believe in it anymore because of the way of the world today...nor do they believe in hell or any place of eternal punishment and damnation.  Sin is in the eye of the beholder these days, some don't recognize any sin in any form.  These people are shells that walk around with empty souls and filled heads.  For all their knowledge they know nothing.  Their daily life consists in the wants and needs of their own personal momentary gratification.  Everyone has lived this way at some time or another; but the "state" I am referring to is not like that ----as much as this  generation devoid of any desire to hope for anything more. I thought perhaps it is my thinking since I am aging and my children are becoming adults and I have watched my youth fade to yesteryear...that gives me a melancholy attitude, but as each day opens to a newspaper with appalling articles...I am not so sure.

When I go into prayer, and I meditate on Heaven, its purpose, and its residents--the verse about God wiping all tears away came to mind.  I am positive those are only tears of pain and sorrow; because the experience here on earth as having such joy to bring streams down my cheeks as an overflow to my heart, as a good thing, and all good things happen in Heaven.  As I think of seeing loved ones and beloved ones God has graced my life with, is going to be an emotional one!  Ah, but some will declare that emotions are a human trait, forget that love is in Heaven, and is very much an emotion!  How will my heart contain its feelings when I finally meet Jesus, the One who suffered so much on my account?  How will the joy and gratitude respond whole-heartedly to Him, who patiently waited for me?

The verse about many mansions, speaks of dwelling places with many rooms...Jesus did not elaborate.  Revelation identifies Him who was, who is and who will be...past, present and future all in One...is this not Heaven also?  Could it be?  We will be filled with Christ, we are co-heirs with Him.  Will we be able to dwell in the past, present and future also?  Our past would be here on earth and cursed, but that is not what I mean.  Jesus came to deliver, to redeem, to restore...and the bible speaks of the time of "regeneration" and "restoration".  Is it possible we shall be given the chance to live the life were supposed to have?  In our finite understanding we have a word "dimension".  Perhaps, as each one who walked on earth, each soul on its journey back to God, may be given what the enemy has destroyed, stolen or killed?  We believe in healing, as in no blindness, deafness and lame...but what about healing of the soul?  So many personal roads, individual paths, so varied and so intimate that our Lord is aware of each place, each step...that needs replenished.

What if Heaven is where the child who  became an orphan gets the chance to live happily with the parents who were taken from him?  Could there be a place where mothers hold their infants who died prematurely and experience their growing up?  The poor child starving in the desert sands of Africa in his mother's arms...does he get to live a life with a nourished mother and full belly?  The outcast who is rejected, mocked and excluded...get the chance to experience acceptance and blessing?  We tend to think of God as automatically fullfilling our every need in an instant; or in healing every hurt upon our arrival in New Jerusalem.  Life on earth is a journey, so I wonder if the experience of the soul is not one also?  Could the soul not experience the past, present and eternity as well?

Heaven is the place of  Hope!  It is where I shall become complete in all the Lord wanted for me.  So whatever was lacking on earth, I believe will be finished in His Life.  I do not call it the afterlife because it sounds like this life is over and means nothing for the future.  It is the beginning of the Whole Life!  This existence of our reality is more than a proving ground, a teaching place, a calling towards development...it has direct bearing on the blessings to come!  This is the reason of hope for the abandoned, the lost, the forgotten, the outcast, the abused, the suffering, and the persecuted.  God is Spirit.  His Throne is not set on a cloud where we will sing praise songs for eternity and do continual Holy Mass...His Spirit will resound throughout, and His Grace shall flow in all places His Light reveals penetrating healing and restoration!  Catholics believe what we do on earth has direct bearing on what goes on after death.  I believe everything in our human life has an impact on our everlasting life in more ways than one!

All of creation teaches something about the spiritual realm.  Just the sheer beauty and expanse of the universe, and the power of the changing forces of nature tell us there is so much more than our human intelligence could ever grasp...so I believe the life lived here is just a tiny speck of the picture of a soul.  So many millions have lived and died, each with their own story...all with very different experiences of translation and regeneration.  Of course, this would take all of eternity to work out all the minute details of each soul to restoration in this way---perhaps that is why He gives life everlasting...only God could work out each one simultaneously all at the same time...and enjoy the gifts He is giving each one!  How much joy could there be for Him?  For us?  And how many tears of gratitude?

THOSE MOMENTS

There are those times, trying as we may, to get next to God; He seems disconnected somehow. Like walking in a dry desert. As I was writing, listening to music and praying...the Presence of God drew so near, and He began to speak to me as I poured out my thoughts, my prayers, my concerns, and my confessions. It occured to me, it is like the relationship I have with my husband. There are days we are so warm and in tune with each other, and then there are days it seems as if we go thru the mechanics of the daily grind. The love is there always...but something feels different...distant...not on the same wave.

It is that way with God. An author once wrote about those " near moments" as thin places in the veil separating flesh from spirit-- that allows the Spirit to draw us near...into the Spirit realm while still abiding in the worldly realm. Life gets hectic, sin darkens us, sorrows weigh us, fears hinder, emotions disturb, others wound us, and the dailly grind brings us to an uphill climb that we are too weary to do--or too rebellious to care to even try.

My Christmas season began filled with hope and certain promises made to myself. It ended with disappointment, sorrow, anger, wounds, and a very thirsty soul needing a drink of the Living Water. How did this happen? I sat to write in my journal, and to pray...and as I pondered...me and God had a long talk.

As I was writing and praying, He began to show me my life, how fast time is flying and what has transpired in the past years...and then He opened up Psalm 139. Oh how I now grasped what David was saying...he was reflecting on his life and his trials and sorrows...realizing that God was always there in all the dark places, places of his sin and rebellion, the less than pure and holy times...the daily grind had worn him as well; but God allowed his journey to go some sad places. He'd already known where the journey of David's soul would take him. God's heart was weeping as he watched David do some horrible things, and He was there when he did them...knowing that eventually the journey would bring David to a "thin place" where he would recognize who God is, how He loves, and why He allowed the pitfalls and struggles and rebellion.

I began to see how my journey began, that the Lord knew me before I was in the womb, knew my heart, and in spite of my sins, would grant me entrance into His Kingdom; because His Son would make a new and living way for me. That "living way" is also the journey I would take...in this life, in this time and place. He knew the choices I would make, the anger I would have, the wrong turns, and the perilous ventures, and He also knew where I would end up. He knew my heart long before I did...just as He knew David long before he would come face to face with himself in the Presence of God!

Psalm 139 now had a personal meaning as the Lord illuminated this was a Psalm about the journey of souls...those whom He knew would come to Him, that were predestined by their "hearts" that found favor with God. Imperfect, learning, growing, surrendering, broken and contrite...always returning and renewing "hearts" living and moving forward closer to the end of the road...but only beginning the best part of the journey.

Perhaps this is why many older folks seem to mellow and change in the golden years...filled with a deeper wisdom, a surrendered and quiet understanding, and prepared future. All our plans, dreams, and works mean nothing as much as a learning, loving, seeking soul. God desires us --not our happenings. No matter where I have been...He has been there; and knows the outcome of it all. While He may have sorrowed over me...He smiles because He has seen the ending!