Never did I feel so alive, so certain, and so close to the Invisible Creator, Our Father who is beyond those beautiful glistening stars in the sky, deeper than the blue raging ocean,outside of time and history...yet within it all. Maybe everyone else didn't have what I have....but I wanted them to! I prayed all the time, in all things, about all things, for everyone, everywhere! I was certain all those prayers were going to bring joyful things to so many!
Somewhere...gradually...very subtil...my heart was closing. There was a film beginning to cover it...much like cataracts do to the eyes. It isn't noticed in the beginning. When the vision begins to blur...we go to the eye doctor, and when we see our hearts and minds are not right--we go back to prayer and to God. The impediment is removed. Like bodily health, spiritual health will suffer too without proper exercise and balance.
This past year, I struggled with anger at others...for lies, for manipulation, for selfishness, greed, for laziness, for inconsideration and ungratefulness, for being rude and hurtful. My thoughts were negative and my heart was giving up...nobody cares but about themselves. The people we used to respect were no longer deserving of it; those in authority and in places of example and role models and power. Gone are the days when teachers cared and taught respect, courtesy, and morals. The days of judges, police, and those in office having real concern for integrity, justice, and honesty are a thing of the past. Employers who were appreciative of the employee and they in turn were loyal to them--a memory of yesteryear. In the religious life, the spirits were just as corrupted. I began to lose that burning desire for truth, goodness, love and salvation for others. The sorrows of suffering good people were mounting. There were so many prayers sent up and tears cried out...it just grew more intense. After awhile, the zeal in my own life began to wane.
I am human, my heart hurts too. I get tired of being used, manipulated, lied to and taken for granted. My needs are no less than anyone else's. Rude and inconsiderate people anger me...and so my feelings demanded attention as well. Then my thoughts turned negative, my mouth spouting things, and my concern for others turning cold.
It bothers me, I go to church with our sons knowing, after they graduate, they may not continue...that my older son still resists, my spouse is no closer than 17 yrs. ago...my stepson and his wife still keep me on the "outside" as if I am out to hurt them in some way. My friends are faring no better than me. For all the reading, praying, trying to keep my values, and to live a Spirit-filled life...nothing changed...and so bit by bit...the covering over my heart began to thicken.
Time became elusive because I let technology eat it up. Everyone is on facebook. I was so out of it that I didn't even know most of the movie and music stars who got awards because I didn't watch enough tv or listen to secular radio to know who was who. I was now learning what everyone else knows. I began to immerse myself into the life of the world...that is where everyone else is. I was miserable....angry ...and fearful. This is not my home.
I woke up today with an earache in my good ear and I thought of my sister who had lost her hearing after a bad sinus infection, and it ocurred to me that I could end up totally deaf, which was always a possibility, but one I pushed away in my mind. How would I hear that beautiful music that lifts me up so much? How would I communicate? Nobody learned sign for my nephew, they aren't going to for me. I began to realize how unthankful I had become, and how much I had taken for granted. Began to think of how I listened to music and all the times God had spoken thru it! Found myself praying, confessing, praising, and crying....for my first Love!
I didn't realize how calloused my heart was becoming...until He brought to mind how He began this journey with me! All the memories came flooding back, in how He courted me, wined and dined me, and led me into the most glorious relationship! He became the Spouse who was the better half of me, the Father that never hurt me, the Friend that was always available and understood me, the Purpose and Meaning for my life, the Joy and Hope in all things...good and bad! He was the Peace in turmoil, the Truth in confusion, the Light in darkening depressions, the Strength in the Trials, the Goodness in the midst of evil. Indeed, His Kingdom is not of this world--and neither am I as long as He is in me. The Scriptures warned me this morning about quenching His Spirit...I was allowing the flame to flicker down...
I am going back to my first Love! Praying all of that "honeymoon giddyness" returns, that specialness, and soul-filling Love pours out of my heart, my mouth and my life! I didn't care if people thought I was crazy then, so why not experience that "crazy" again!!! Listening to that music that spoke to me before, reading the verses that corrected me, and praying with discipline and fervor....getting back into His Light and onto His Path! I cannot change how the world is or how others behave...but I can control my own soul and my own journey...and I missed the One who is Love!
